A reader asks Joan’s advice about an intimate issue.
I’m male, 72, married 50 years. My wife and I enjoy sex every week or two. My problem is that when I watch a porn video by myself, everyone is having oral sex, and this is very stimulating for me. However, my wife is rather routine: we kiss, cuddle, rub each other sexually, and then have intercourse in a spooning position. Over the 50 years, she tried to give me oral sex four or five times by sucking, like trying to pull liquid through a straw. Because she didn’t know how to do it, she stopped after maybe 15 seconds.
How do I explain to my wife that even though we have sex and pleasurable orgasms together, she needs to learn the correct way to give oral sex?
I tried to teach her in our younger years, but she seemed turned off. I didn’t want to be too critical. Telling your wife that she is performing oral sex incorrectly isn’t received with excitement. She also might be thinking that it’s gross to put an organ in her mouth that released urine. To be honest, we never take a shower before bed.
My wife understands that porn is stimulating for me, but she doesn’t realize that it teaches me how to perform better for her. I grew up with kiss, pet, insert finger, have intercourse, orgasm. For 45 years I never knew how to stimulate my wife’s genitals and touch her in pleasurable ways. I learned from watching porn. I also learned how to give her oral sex. She has intense orgasms from receiving oral, but she feels it’s not normal and only lets me do it maybe three times a year.
She is open to watching a short romantic sex video of a man and woman kissing, petting, then having oral sex, all within good taste. No close-up porn or shooting orgasms in a woman’s face, for example. Can you recommend a video showing how to perform oral on a man?
— Wishing for Oral
Joan responds:
Fellatio (oral stimulation of the penis) is incredibly arousing and pleasurable, and I feel compassion for your frustration. But your way of seeing it — she’s doing it wrong and needs to view the “correct” way — may be counter-productive. I’m not recommending a video for teaching your wife how to give you the kind of oral sex you want, because only you know exactly what will please you!
There’s no one guaranteed technique for all men. Penises and their owners differ in what they respond to or prefer. Instead of showing her a video, communicate what you enjoy in a loving, non-judgmental way. Direct her with tender, appreciative words about what you’d like — how you’d like her to take your penis in her mouth, what you’d like her to do with her lips, her tongue, her hand, her motion.
If she only attempted fellatio a few times over 50 years, she’s clearly not comfortable with it. She probably feels judged by you — the opposite of sexy, as you realize. You say you didn’t want to be critical, but you communicate that here and probably to her, which is likely why she stopped within seconds the few times she tried it.
Understand that she hasn’t had good experiences with a penis in her mouth. What does she need to feel more at ease? For one, take a shower! I can’t imagine why that isn’t part of your routine before sex. If she’s reluctant to put a penis in her mouth, do your part to make it smell and taste good!
I asked jessica drake, adult film star, sex educator, and fellatio fan, for her tips:
“Take small steps to help your wife become comfortable with your penis with no pressure to perform: a ‘meet and greet’ for your penis. Perhaps she’d like to feel it first, get used to the idea of it in her hand near her face. How about a handjob using your hand as well as hers, doing it together?”
Having performed in more than 300 adult films, she adds,
“I’m concerned that you say you’ve learned how to please a woman from porn. Porn is not meant to educate. When you see oral sex depicted, know that the positioning of mouths and genitals is what works best for great camera angles — not great orgasms.”
Instead of a video, I recommend a book that demystifies fellatio, among other topics, with illustrated techniques: How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques That Will Blow His Mind by Lou Paget. It’s a 1999 book, but inexpensive second-hand copies are easy to find. Read chapter 7 together: “Blowing His. . . Mind!”
I’m sorry that your wife feels shame about accepting the pleasures of cunnilingus. It’s hard to shake off the restrictive, sex-negative messages women are taught at an early, impressionable age. Maybe your wife will write me, and I’ll respond in a future column.
Once your wife is open to it, introduce her tenderly to what turns you on, giving positive feedback when it feels good and gentle direction when you’d like something different. Ask her to do the same for you. It’s teamwork!
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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
